


Birthday

by suzannemarie (finlass)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-03
Updated: 2010-06-03
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:51:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finlass/pseuds/suzannemarie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the day of his late son's birthday, Jack just wants to get through the day. He and Sara share grief and memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Yes, the problem that SG-1 is sent to solve is admittedly very silly and the solution even sillier. It's all very much tongue in cheek.
> 
> 2\. Jack and Sara may seem to cover similar ground as was done in Cold Lazarus, but most of that involved Replacement Jack. There are things that Sara and Genuine Jack needed to say to each other. They do it here with after the passage of time.
> 
> 3\. An author's commentary for the story is available [here](http://suzannemarie.livejournal.com/215446.html).

He woke up in a foul mood. At first he couldn't identify the reason. Then he remembered the date. June 4th. It once had been one of the best days of his life. Now, the date was bittersweet.

Grumpily, he forced himself out of bed. In automatic fashion he showered, shaved, and pulled on his clothes.

The phone rang. He sighed and picked up the receiver. "Hello," he said brusquely.

"Jack, it's Sara."

"Oh, hi Sara," his voice softened. "How are you?"

"Okay," The pause that followed was full of meaning. Then, "you know…." her words trailed off.

"Yeah," he agreed.

"Listen," she sounded hesitant. "I know this is last minute, but I wanted to invite you over for supper tonight if you're free. Nothing fancy--I thought we could grill some burgers."

A long silence followed the invitation. Sara filled it with a rushed "you don't have to feel obligated. It was just an impulse that I had."

"No, that's not it," Jack responded. "I was just thinking over my schedule for the day. I wouldn't be good company," he warned, not at all sure he was up to company.

"I would understand that better than anyone," Sara replied. "I'm willing to risk it."

He started to waver. "I don't know..."

"7:00? You bring the beer."

He allowed himself to be convinced. "Okay, seven. I'll be there. Don't say I didn't warn you if I'm crappy company."

"I'll consider myself warned. See you tonight."

They hung up. Jack trailed down to the kitchen. After staring into the refrigerator for awhile, he realized he wasn't really hungry after all. It was just as well, he didn't have time to eat breakfast anyway. He left for the SGC.

He usually tried to arrange it so that he would be especially busy in early June. When this day rolled around, he didn't want to have time to think. An offworld mission involving action and danger was ideal. This year it didn't work out that way. Instead, paperwork waited for him, along with meetings and briefings. In short, it would be a day filled with things that under the best of circumstances bored him silly. On this day it served to further depress him.

Ah, well, he thought. He had no choice but to deal with it. He wore an inscrutable expression as he got off the elevator at the SGC. First up: those overdue reports. He picked up a stack of files and headed to the cafeteria. It was true that most people did paperwork in their offices, but he liked working in the cafeteria. He'd become something of a loner over the years, but he still appreciated being in the vicinity of other people. He rarely felt a need to interact with them--and most people could tell when he wanted to be left alone--but he found it pleasant to know that there were others around him doing normal cafeteria things. Plus, he was close to the pie if he wanted a snack.

He sat down already feeling weary. As he opened a file and tried to pull his thoughts together, the rest of SG-1 entered the cafeteria. They were fresh from their morning workout together and obviously full of energy. They picked up their food and gravitated toward Jack's table. Jack sighed inwardly, knowing he had no one to blame but himself. If he didn't want company, he should have chosen a less public work space.

"Good morning, sir," Sam greeted Jack. She indicated the stack of files. "Looks like you've got a big day ahead."

"Oh yes," Jack replied with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Paperwork followed by.... _more_ paperwork." He returned his attention to the file that he'd opened just before his team joined him at the table.

"What are you working on today Sam?" Daniel asked cheerfully.

"I've got some new ideas for improving the efficiency of the weapon to use against Anubis's soldiers. I'm going to test some of them out today. What about you?"

"SG-2 came back from their last mission with a couple of new tablets. I've got some translating to do," Daniel said happily. "I'm still looking for information about the Lost City."

The two of them continued to talk enthusiastically about their ongoing projects. Teal'c quietly ate his breakfast. Jack stared at the file he'd opened, trying to tune out the voices of his companions. He generally liked being with his team, liked their enthusiasm and energy. At the moment, though, he found it hard to take.

Jack read through the same paragraph several times before it finally sank in that he'd managed to pick up an old report. He had no idea why it would have even been within his reach. It was the report from the time Carter and Kawalsky had crossed over from an alternate reality. Alternate realities. He allowed his mind to wander. There must be at least one reality where Charlie was alive. A part of him wished he could go touring just to see. Jack was an eminently pragmatic man. He rarely dwelled on such thoughts. Even so, sometimes he liked to think that there was a universe somewhere where his son was alive and healthy and happy. It gave him comfort to think that such a place existed.

He came out of his reverie to notice that Teal'c was looking at him thoughtfully, Sam and Daniel had stopped talking, and an intercom announcement was calling SG-1 to the briefing room. "Let's see what's happening," Jack said. With any luck, he thought, the reports could be put aside.

* * * * * * * *

The group made their way into the briefing room. "What's the story, sir?" Jack asked.

"We just got a communication from P2X-866," General Hammond said.

"866," Sam said. "That's where SG-13 met the scientist experimenting with personal shield and cloaking technology."

"That's right," Hammond said. "His son just contacted us to say that Lamatt has disappeared."

"Disappeared?" Jack asked. "He's not just cloaked?"

"Kominn doesn't think so. He hasn't heard from him since last night, which is unusual. He's asked for help. I want you to check into the situation. If it's an experiment gone bad, see if you can correct it. I also want you to make sure that there's not any sort of outside interference at work."

First contact with 866 dated to only a few weeks ago. With the exception of the scientist and his son the planet was uninhabited. Lamatt wouldn't say where he was originally from, but he evidently preferred to do his research in isolation. It was unclear whether he'd gotten into trouble on his home world or if he just didn't like company. He was friendly enough to the first team that had arrived, though, and a friendship between Lamatt and the SGC was in development. Sam had been looking forward to the chance to meet him. Much of his research involved technology that might be useful against the goa'uld.

Thirty minutes after receiving their orders, SG-1 stepped through the gate to P2X-866. A picturesque scene greeted them: lush grass and large, healthy trees. A lake was visible a few hundred yards away. A well tended garden could be seen near a neat-looking group of buildings. It was sunny and pleasant. Birds chirped in the trees. It was an enviable setup that Lamatt and his son enjoyed.

An anxious-looking Kominn greeted the team as they came through the gate. The boy looked to be around sixteen years old. At the sight of him, a pained look crossed Jack's face. Noticing Teal'c again studying him thoughtfully, Jack rearranged his features to a more stoic expression.

"Hello?" Kominn said nervously. "Is Colonel Dixon's team coming?"

"No," Daniel answered. "They're away on another mission for several days. I'm Daniel Jackson. This Colonel Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, and Major Samantha Carter."

Encountering strangers seemed to add to his anxiety. Daniel hastened to reassure him: "It'll be okay. We'll find your father."

_I wish he wouldn't just make promises like that,_ Jack thought to himself. Aloud, he added his own reassurances. "We'll do our best."

"Let's see what we can figure out." Sam said. "Was the lab the last place you saw your dad?"

Kominn nodded.

"Why don't we start there."

Kominn led the way toward one of the buildings.

"You don't think anyone else was involved?" Jack asked. "Have you had any unexpected visitors?"

"No," Kominn said. "No one came through the stargate. My father set up a system so that an alarm goes off whenever the gate is activated. No one could sneak through."

"What about by ship?" Jack asked.

"Father has another alert system for the airspace. He really doesn't like unexpected company."

"I can understand that," Jack said.

"Have you disturbed anything in the lab?" asked Sam.

"Not really. I looked around, but I didn't mess with any of his machinery."

"Were you there when it happened?" she asked.

"No. I was in the garden." They were walking in the door of the lab as he explained. "There was a bright flash in here, and then nothing. When I came in, I couldn't find any sign of him."

"Okay," Sam said. "Let's take a look." She walked across the room toward Lamatt's equipment. Careful not to touch anything yet, she looked at the devices on the work table--all of which were still powered up. She also noticed a sheaf of papers filled with graceful handwriting in a language she couldn't read.

"Kominn, would you take a look at this? Are these your father's notes?" she asked.

"Yes," he said looking at the paper, "Father always keeps detailed logs of whatever he's doing. Sometimes he tries to tell me about what he's working on, but it's really not my thing. I'm better with plants than machines."

"The garden is beautiful. It's yours?" Daniel asked.

"Yes." Kominn said proudly.

"Kominn, would you translate for me what your father has written? Hopefully, whatever _has_ happened can just be undone. So far, at least, I don't see any signs that anything of a violent nature has happened."

Daniel also walked over to the work counter to look at the notes. "I can read this," he said. "I'll help Kominn translate."

"Okay, well, Teal'c," Jack said, "Let's take a look around outside. This looks like an experiment gone wrong, but I want to double check for any signs of an aggressor. Carter, you and Daniel see what you can find out in here."

As he turned to go back outside, he noticed one of his shoelaces was untied and knelt to retie it. Frowning a little bit, he looked curiously around the floor as he stood back up.

"Is something the matter, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"No." Jack replied vaguely. "It just felt like I was kneeling on a pebble, but I don't see anything. Strange." He shrugged. "I don't suppose it matters... We'll be back," he said over his shoulder as he and Teal'c walked out the door.

As Jack anticipated, they didn't find anything that gave any indication of goa'uld or any other sort of intrusion. Even in his poor state of mind, he couldn't help but admire the setting as they investigated the area. "This is a nice place," Jack commented as they completed their survey. "I can see why someone would choose to settle here."

* * * * * * * *

They walked back into the lab and observed Daniel and Kominn reading the papers and Sam studying the machine.

"Progress?" Jack asked.

"Not much," Sam answered. "Lamatt is a very creative thinker, and this device seems pretty complex."

Checking his watch, he stepped toward the group. Then, looking down, he uttered an annoyed grunt. Now his other shoelace had come undone. And he could have sworn he had just stepped on an object of some sort, but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary on the immaculate floor.

"Do you have an ETA on how long this might take?" Jack asked as he tied the lace.

"I don't want to rush anything," Sam answered. "I don't want to wind up having the same thing happen to us that happened to Lamatt."

"Which was?"

"I don't know yet, sir."

"It's been an hour," Jack said. "What's taking so long?"

"It's _only_ been an hour," Sam corrected. "We'll make headway soon."

"The sooner we can get this fixed the better," Jack grouched. "I'd like to get home today."

The looks that Sam and Daniel traded with each other increased his irritation. He knew his snippiness was unfair, but his mood was getting the best of him. Everything was bothering him now.

Daniel attempted to placate him. "We've almost finished translating Lamatt's notes," he said. "That'll help."

"Once I have a better understanding of what this equipment does, I should be able to figure out what's happened," Sam elaborated. "Hopefully it's something fixable."

Daniel tried to tease him out of his mood. "What's the rush? Do you have a date tonight?"

Daniel's attempt to lighten the atmosphere fell flat. Instead of decreasing the tension, it wound Jack up more. He blanched. He could no longer contain his bad feelings and unhappiness. His voice rising he snapped "my personal plans aren't the issue. I want this fixed. Carter, get to work. Daniel, help her or find something to do that doesn't involve discussion of my off- duty time."

Sam and Daniel both recoiled at Jack's tone and body language.

"I'm working on it sir," Sam said defensively.

"Take it easy, Jack," Daniel added. "We'll figure it out."

The protestations only fueled Jack's agitation. He knew he was being unreasonable but by now he was past reining himself in. He hurled his pack to the floor. "Damn it, I don't want to hear excuses. Just. Fix it! _Now!_" By the end, his voice had risen to an uncharacteristic shout. He was breathing heavily. The glare he fixed on each of them was frightening. Turning away from their hurt and angry looks, he stalked out the door.

Jack stormed down a path. He came to a stop at the lake shore and stared sightlessly across the water. Water had always been one of Jack's refuges. Even here, far away from home, the sound of the ripples lapping against the shore was soothing. He knew he'd crossed the line with his team. On top of the bad feelings that were already consuming him, he was angry at himself for losing his temper. He knew he owed them an apology. To do so, however, would involve having to explain why he was behaving so badly. That was a conversation that he didn't care to have. It was too private. He hated making excuses. He preferred their anger to their sympathy.

* * * * * * * *

The occupants of the lab exchanged puzzled and concerned looks.

"Is Colonel O'Neill always like this?" Kominn asked nervously.

Daniel looked a little uneasy. "He's frequently irritable, but he doesn't often blow up like that. At least not over something like this."

"He seemed out of control. And that _is_ unusual," Sam agreed. She, too, looked unsettled by Jack's display.

"He has not seemed himself today." Teal'c added. "I will talk to him." Giving the others an encouraging look he left the lab.

Before long, Teal'c found Jack at the lake. Quietly, he joined him at the shore. Both looked into the horizon for awhile.

Eventually Teal'c broke the silence. "O'Neill. I do not understand your anger," he said in a neutral tone.

"Yeah. I guess I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"I was not aware that there were wrong sides and right sides of beds. How can I be certain to stay on the correct one?" Teal'c's voice was, if anything, more deadpan than usual, but he allowed a hint of playfulness in his eyes.

"No, Teal'c," Jack started to explain. "It's just an express-" Jack stopped mid-word as he turned to face Teal'c. His expression relaxed slightly.

Seeing that Jack had caught on to his intent, Teal'c showed a hint of a smile. Then his expression turned serious again. "I saw the look on your face when you first saw Kominn. Why?"

Jack looked at Teal'c for a moment, looked away, then looked back. His expression was bleak. Finally he said quietly "he looks a lot like how Charlie might have looked at that age."

"Your son."

"He would have been sixteen today."

They fell silent again. Teal'c thought of Rya'c. He didn't get to see him as often as he'd like. They'd had their differences and troubles because of the path that Teal'c had taken. He was proud that Rya'c had chosen to devote himself to the Free Jaffa cause, proud of the man that he was becoming. Still, there had been some close calls. A day didn't go by that he didn't worry about him. He would rather die himself, than lose his son.

"I am sorry, O'Neill," Teal'c said at last.

"So am I," Jack sighed. Both turned back toward the lake.

Some of the tension had eased. Jack picked up a handful of stones and started skipping them across the surface of the lake.

"Look," Jack said after awhile. "Why don't you rejoin the others. I'll be up in a bit."

Teal'c inclined his head and departed.

Sam and Daniel looked inquiringly at Teal'c as he walked through the door. "So did Jack take your head off too?" asked Daniel.

"My head remains attached," Teal'c answered. "I believe O'Neill does not feel well today."

Neither Daniel nor Sam looked completely satisfied with this explanation. Teal'c briefly considered telling them why Jack was so touchy, but it really wasn't his information to share. If O'Neill wanted them to know, he would tell them.

After a minute, Sam returned to studying Lamatt's notes and device. The translations were finished. It was up to her now. Teal'c sat quietly near the door. Daniel and Kominn paced around the room, making occasional small talk.

Suddenly Kominn burst out an exasperated "What do I keep stepping on?"

"You too?" Daniel asked. "I keep feeling like there's something underfoot."

"Okay," Sam said. "I think I've figured out the sequence of buttons that Lamatt activated."

"Does that mean that you know what happened?" Daniel asked.

"Not yet," Sam answered. "But I'm getting a clearer picture of how this device works. I just want to read through these notes once more."

"Take your time, Carter. Getting it right is most important," Jack said. No one had noticed his return, but they turned to see him standing in the doorway. With the exception of Teal'c they all looked a little wary.

"Are we still in the doghouse?" Daniel asked.

Jack grimaced. "You never were, really. This is... today is... it's... a bad day for me."

"Obviously," Daniel observed. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"No. But I'm sorry that I lost my temper."

The team nodded in response. For now, everyone seemed willing to put the incident behind them. Additional damage control could come when he was in a better frame of mind.

Jack looked at Kominn. "If there's a solution, we'll find it."

"What if there's not?" Kominn asked.

"Then.... We'll deal with that if we have to. We'll work it out somehow."

"I don't believe it!" Sam exclaimed.

"We're not going to work it out?" Jack asked.

Sam gave him a baleful look. "Not that. The device has a reset."

"Are you serious?" Daniel asked.

"Like on a computer game?" Jack asked.

"Yes! It looks like the reset is designed to undo the most recent action. Kominn, you're sure you didn't do anything with this device after your father disappeared?"

"I didn't touch it."

"Then the reset should reverse the last thing that Lamatt did." Sam said. "It almost seems like cheating. Not that I'm complaining. If it works."

"Only one way to find out," Jack prompted.

"Right. Okay. I need to flip this switch, hold down this lever, and now press this button."

They all looked around the room. There was a flash and a crackle. Suddenly Lamatt was standing in their midst.

"Father!" Kominn said happily. "You're back!"

"I never left," Lamatt said.

"Your cloak worked?" Sam asked.

"And the personal shield." Lamatt answered. "Which was good, given the side effect."

"What was that?" Sam asked.

"I shrank," he said a little sheepishly.

"Shrank?" Jack repeated.

"Shrank. I think I was about a centimeter or two tall."

"That sounds a little scary." Daniel said.

"If the personal shield hadn't worked, I'd be dead. People kept stepping on me," he said plaintively.

"_That's_ what was underfoot," Kominn said.

"Yes. I couldn't get anyone's attention. After awhile, I realized that either no one was going to notice me or the invisibility cloak was working. Or both."

"I suppose miniaturization is one defense against your enemies, but it's not one I'd recommend. Especially if you can't undo it on your own." Jack offered.

"Yes. Clearly, I need to make some refinements,"

"Clearly." Jack agreed drily.

"Still. All's well that ends well." Lamatt said airily. "I got the shield and cloak right."

"And put your son through hell at the same time," Jack reminded him.

Lamatt looked remorseful. "I'm sorry about that Kominn."

"At least everything is all right now," he said.

"All the same," Sam said, "you might want to think about taking on a research partner or two to settle with you. It's good to have someone around to help if things go wrong. If you don't want to do that, how about at least setting up regular contacts with Earth? That would be one way of maintaining a bit of support."

"I'd like that," Lamatt said. "And I thank you for your help."

"This is a nice little planet that you've got here, Lamatt," Jack said. "I'd like to visit again sometime under better circumstances. Are there fish in your lake?"

"Do you like to fish?" Kominn asked eagerly.

"What better way to spend a day?" Jack responded. He ignored the knowing looks of his team.

Kominn smiled. "Father doesn't have any interest in it." Jack looked at Lamatt with suspicion. "If you came back to visit, you could fish with me," Kominn invited a little shyly.

"I'd like that," Jack said sincerely. He looked around at SG-1. "Come on. It's time to head home. Lamatt, I'm glad everything turned out okay."

"Thank you again," said Lamatt.

"I'd like a chance to study your machines and notes again sometime. I'd love to discuss your research in greater depth," said Sam.

"You're welcome here anytime."

Lamatt and Kominn walked SG-1 to the gate. Daniel dialed Earth, and they all said their good-byes.

"Lamatt: no more miniaturizations. Kominn: make sure you learn how to work the reset," Jack advised before waving at them and stepping through the gate.

* * * * * * * *

General Hammond greeted them upon their arrival back at the SGC.

"Is everything back to normal on 866?" he asked.

"Everything has been resolved." Sam reported.

"It was just a matter of pressing a reset button," Jack said. "Too bad we can't take that reset button and apply it to everything else."

Hammond smiled. "I'm glad you were able to put things right," he said.

The team exited the gate room.

"Back to the paperwork," Jack said with a sigh.

"The prototype weapon is waiting for me," Sam said.

"And translations are waiting for me," said Daniel. With a tentative glance at Jack he added "how about we all go out for dinner tonight? It's been awhile since our last social night."

"Rain check," Jack answered. "I can't tonight, but let's do it soon. I'll have you over to my place."

"And I am paying a visit to Rya'c tonight," Teal'c said. A look of unspoken understanding passed between Jack and Teal'c.

"Really? You haven't said anything about that before," said Daniel.

"I just today decided to go. But I, too, would enjoy a get together soon."

"Soon, then," Sam agreed.

They separated to pursue their individual tasks.

* * * * * * * *

The remainder of the afternoon passed uneventfully for Jack. He plowed through the reports that were due. He was calmer. The melancholy remained, but his anger had abated. He finished his last report and turned it in. At the end of the work day he slipped away quietly.

At 7:00, as instructed, he was on Sara's doorstep with the beer.

"Come in," came a shout from inside the house when he rang the doorbell.

He found her in the kitchen. "Hi Jack, I'm glad you could come," she greeted him.

"So am I." Setting down the beer, he kissed her cheek and then pulled her into a warm hug. It was good to see her.

Picking up the package Jack had brought, Sara said "I'll put these in the cooler on the back porch." She handed him a platter of hamburger patties.

"Yeah, I prefer my burgers a little less raw these days."

Sara rolled her eyes. "Don't be a brat. You're doing the grilling. It should be ready by now."

"So, you invited me over to cook for you?" he teased.

"You've caught on to my devious plan."

"I knew it!"

"Did you also bring the potato salad, the fruit salad, and the brownies?" she asked. "Oh wait," she answered herself, "I made all that."

"Brownies?" he repeated.

"If you behave yourself there might be ice cream too."

They'd reached the porch and Jack started laying the patties on the grill. Sara placed the bottles that Jack had brought into the cooler. She pulled out a bottle that she had planted earlier, opened it, and handed it to him. "Here you go," she said. "You grill. I've got things to finish up in the kitchen." He smiled a little, took a drink, and turned back to the grill.

Before long, the preparations were complete and they were sitting down to eat.

"So," Sarah asked, "How was your day?"

"Well, let's see," Jack answered. "I behaved like a jackass toward the team I command, scared a teenage boy, and did a lot of paperwork. I've done better. But it actually ended up okay. How was your day?"

"Quiet. I took the day off. I did some cooking, of course, and a little bit of cleaning. I sorted through some things in Charlie's room. Cried a little."

"The boy that I referred to. He was about the same age as Charlie would be. He looked a lot like him too. It threw me."

"So you decided to scare him?"

"Not deliberately," he protested. "He was in the presence of my team and I had a temper tantrum with _them_. I made nice with him later. We found a shared interest."

"Baseball?"

"Fishing."

"My other guess. And what about your team?"

"I've only been able to get one of them to go fishing with me."

"I meant did you make nice with them too," Sara said patiently.

"I still need to make it up with them a little. I hate losing control."

"It's a hard day. It's understandable if you're not yourself."

"I guess," he said. "It's been eight years and sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday."

"Sometimes it does for me too. And sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago."

Sara stood up and picked up some of the dishes to take inside. Jack rose to help her. Once they were in the kitchen, they set about putting things away. They had slipped comfortably into familiar domestic roles.

"If you'll put the rest of these dishes in the dishwasher, I'll take the brownies out to the porch," Sara said.

"And the ice cream?" Jack reminded her.

"And the ice cream," she agreed.

With everything else cleared away, the two sat down again for dessert. After a few minutes, Sara excused herself saying that she had something for Jack. She returned to the porch carrying a box.

"What's this?" Jack asked as she set the box down beside him.

"Lately I've been thinking about how all of Charlie's things stayed here. You've never really asked about it, but you should have some of his things too. If you want them. These are just a few things that I thought you'd like. If you want more or different things, we can talk about it." Sara's voice sounded careful, measured.

He opened the box. His eyes misted a little as he pulled out a model airplane. He gave a sad smile. "I remember building this with him," he said fondly. He picked up the baseball glove. "He didn't get much use out of this before...." His voice trailed off, but in the midst of the sorrow he was also remembering the times they'd played together. There had been a long period when even memories of the good times had been too painful to bear. It felt good to be past that. The good memories had become a friend. The pain would never go away entirely. He knew that now. He knew there would always be bad days. But, almost without realizing it had happened, something inside him had healed a little. He'd never be over it, but he had gotten through it.

Jack looked up to catch Sara looking at him as if she knew what he was thinking. He looked at her with affection and then looked back in the box.

Jack continued to pull out items: an old coloring book, preschool artwork, a baseball, a small telescope. His smile was one of sadness and reminiscence as he touched each item. "Thank you, Sara," he said quietly.

"Can I ask you something?" Sara asked.

"Of course."

"Is there a reason why you never asked for any of his things?"

There was a long pause. Then: "I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"It was my fault, my gun."

"Jack," she said gently. "It was an accident. I did blame you once, but I forgave you a long time ago. It's long past time for you to forgive yourself. I know you would undo it if you could. So would I." She paused and then repeated: "It was an _accident._"

He heard her words with quiet gratitude. That was nice of her. He knew she wouldn't say it unless she meant it. He also knew that he would never forgive himself. He would never let go of the responsibility. Never. He had learned to live with that too. He had also learned that the good times were worth remembering and celebrating.

He saw Sarah's look. "What?" he asked.

"I was just thinking that it's good to see you doing so well," she said.

"I mentioned my tantrum of earlier today, right?" he said wryly.

"We all have our moments. But I know you. You seem like you're in a better place than in the past."

"I suppose I am," he said.

"I worried about you for a long time," she said. "I wasn't sure if you would survive Charlie's death.

"For a time I didn't want to," he admitted, recalling the despair of that time.

"But you did. And it looks like you've found some peace. That's what I'm glad to see."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you eight years ago. I should have been." It was something he had wanted to say for a long time.

"It's water under the bridge," Sara answered. "I probably could have been there for you more too."

"I suppose there will always be regrets," Jack acknowledged.

"I've always wished you well," Sara said.

"Me too," Jack said. He reflected on his phrasing and then clarified. "I mean I've always wished you well too."

Thy smiled at each other in understanding.

Jack checked the box one more time to see if he'd missed anything. He picked up what appeared to be a car key.

"Did you lose this?" he asked.

Sara smiled. "No. I came across it today in a drawer filled with a mish-mash of stuff. I have no idea why we would have kept it, but it's a key to that old mustang we used to have. Remember Charlie's adventure?"

Jack smiled at the memory. "Who expects a three year old to steal a car?"

"I still can't believe he got out of a locked house with the car keys."

"I still can't believe that he was able to start the car," Jack added.

"It was a good thing he happened to pick reverse. If he'd found a forward gear we would have had a house to repair instead of just a mailbox," Sara mused.

"I remember being upstairs and hearing the car start and wondering where you were going. Then I heard the crash."

Sara laughed. "I was in the kitchen and wondered the same thing about you. I was so surprised to see you running downstairs when I ran into the hallway."

"And then we go outside and the mailbox is knocked over and the car is in the ditch," Jack's smile got bigger as they recounted the story to each other.

"There's Charlie in the driver's seat--"

"Looking pleased with himself," Jack finished. "Without a scratch on him."

"Too bad the same couldn't be said for the car," Sara said.

Both of them laughed. It had been one of their favorite "Charlie" stories when they were still a family. Jack hadn't thought of it in a long time. It felt good to laugh. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd laughed over something related to his son. Something within him seemed to unbend a little more and he felt an all too rare sense of inner calm.

He picked up the little telescope again. He idly looked through it at the night sky. The evening had transitioned to full darkness and the stars were out. He put the telescope down and turned off the lights so that the stars were easier to see. It was a clear and brilliant night. He took a seat on the porch swing.

"Ursa Major is looking good tonight," he pointed. "See it?" he asked Sara.

"You know perfectly well that I've never been able to distinguish any constellation beyond the Big Dipper."

"Well that's a start. If you can find the Big Dipper, you can find the Great Bear. Look, you see the handle of the dipper? It's also the tail of the bear. Just follow the bowl of the dipper outward. It turns into the face of the bear."

After a short pause, "I see it," Sara said.

"Are you just saying that?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Yes," she admitted. There was another pause, and then, "Jack, have astronomy lessons between us ever ended well?"

Jack thought for moment. "No."

"I'll take your word for it that the constellations are where you say they are. Charlie was the one who could see them with you."

"Watching the night sky makes me feel close to him sometimes," Jack said quietly.

Sara nodded in understanding.

Neither of them spoke for awhile. Jack glanced at his watch, but made no real move to get up. "I should probably be going. It's getting late."

"Do you have to? Sit with me awhile if you want. Have another beer." Sara handed him a bottle and took one for herself. She sat down next to him.

He accepted the drink and they continued to sit, watching the fireflies and the stars.

After awhile, Jack raised his bottle. "Happy Birthday Charlie," he said.

"Happy Birthday," Sara echoed. "We miss you."

There was nothing left to say. Jack put his arm around her when Sara rested her head on his shoulder. They sat together like that in comfortable, companionable silence well into the night.


End file.
